Well it has been a while huh... I am really sorry for abandoning my blog, i was really enjoying it, Beginning to get into the swing of using a laptop for more then just Facebook and You tube.
I have had a seriously crazy last 10 months or so.... If anybody is interested i will try my very best to remember everything that i have had going on.
The last few months of 2013 are honestly a blur to me, it was one bad thing to another, i crashed into a state of severe depression... i felt like i was existing but nobody could see or hear me, like i was part of a nightmare and i could not wake up or feel anything but pain or a dull ache.
If you have read my other blogs you will know by now that my Partner's Nan was very sick with her 4th lot of brain cancer... how as a family we were on edge awaiting THAT call, nobody should ever receive.
I was completely stunned on july 21st 2013, i was just getting to my front door after a hard first day volunteering at a cat rescue.. i desperately needed a shower, when my phone rang.
My sister's name flashed up on my phone and to be honest i answered the call in a grumpy knackered state, on the other side of the phone i could hear crying so i assumed it was my younger sister, a child like voice cried out.. 'Nanna is having CPR get here' i said ok and hung up... walked into my house and headed for my shower.
I got half way up the stairs then it just clicked what CPR was... i screamed, startling my kids and partner, i tried to stay calm for my kids. My partner drove the 3 minute drive in less time then it should of taken.
When we pulled up outside i jumped out trying to read the situation.
There was an ambulance and a paramedic car.
I remember shouting out 'what is going on?' and my sister met me on the lawn and told me that my nanna had died, while sobbing and shaking her head.
I honestly can't remember the next few minutes clearly, but i am told i fell to the floor screaming and crying, my sister holding me as both of our hearts broke.
The next thing i can remember is my partner holding me, and then me remembering my poor kids were sat in the car not knowing what had happened.
I quickly told him to take our girls home.
A paramedic attempted to put an oxygen mask over my face, as i was struggling for breath, but i launched it into the road and ran full pelt into my Nanna's bedroom and found my mum.
We are not really the cuddly type family but we all clung to each other all sobbing heartbroken wrecks for the rest of the day.
I had some private time with my beautiful nanna who looked like an angel sleeping.
I said good bye and that i loved her, i told her to go and find granddad and to watch over my family together.
I begged her never to leave.
The week that followed were a complete blur in all honesty i was a wreck. I tried my hardest but i could not hold it together for my kids.
In the middle of the night i walked into my dining room looked in the mirror and cut my bum length hair to my shoulders... i still have no idea why i did that.. i just wanted the weight off of me.
A few weeks after that Steve's( my partner) brother was getting married, Steve's nan swore she would make it and i am so pleased to say she did!
She needed a wheelchair and her carer but she had a ball.
She pushed people out of the way to grab at me for a hug and all my girls bombarded her with love, kisses and hugs. A couple more weeks passed and she lost her fight gracefully.
It still took us by shock, yet it was almost a relief for her as she hated having to be helped.
In that time, 'O' my middle daughter also had not one but two diabetic seizures, which scared me more then anything but i feel i handled pretty well.
The first one she had her older sister by only 14 months 'S' alert us, at 3 am.
She ran into our bedroom and told us 'O' was about to be sick.
We both ran in and straight away i knew she was fitting, bless Steve he didn't realize at first.
I told him to grab my phone and i rang an ambulance, tested her blood sugars and put tiny amounts of lucozade in her mouth while talking to her calmly.. I will never know if she could hear me.
We also had to comfort 'S' as she was scared when she knew the ambulance was coming.
One day when she is older i will tell her all about the night she saved her little sisters life.
People assume 'O' has it tough being diabetic and off course she does.
More people need to be aware of how hard it is to be the sibling and have to watch somebody you love go through it every day, while having to be in the background no matter how hard your parents try to not let that happen. I am so proud of all three of my girls.
Her second fit... again at night.. i just had the urge to go and test her even though i had checked an hour before.
I did the usual routine of creeping into their bedroom trying not to disturb them and sat at 'O's' bedside preparing her testing kit.
I noticed she was jerking now and again and tested her to find her blood sugars very low again!
I shouted for my phone and again called the ambulance, i caught it early thank god and she was slightly more aware of what was happening around her so i spoke calmly again and promised her i was going to take care of her, which i did.
I tried to take comfort in the fact that my 'feeling' was a sign from our Nanna's watching over 'O'.
The next few weeks her blood sugars were terrible, but we plod on...
Since all of the rubbish of 2013, i kept busy.
I like to think i am a big help of the cat rescue i volunteer at, i now man one of the work phones, and foster a lot of kittens and cats finding them perfect homes.
I even bottle fed a gorgeous ginger kitten when he was 2 days old and fell in love, he is seven months old now and is completely 'my boy'.
I passed my driving tests first time and now i never seem to stop!
Oh i almost forgot i have also lost 3 stone now, I still have a long way to go but i really feel much better for it.
Our girls are growing so fast, they are becoming lovely young ladies.
I even toilet trained 'C'!
It feels like things are just starting to feel good again which is why i feel able to start blogging again.